truth be told i'm lying

i'm back in richmond. i feel really fat today. not sure why. it's weird...i go through these spells sometimes where i feel like i look HORRIBLE in everything i put on, and i feel like i'm back at day 1. it's not really like me to be down on myself, but it does happen from time to time.

for example, i decided today that the hams aren't really any smaller. "hams?", you ask. yes. hams. my mom told me when i was about 14 that my thighs look like hams. from that point on, i've always referred to them as hams. i think i've done this to make myself feel better. every problem area on my body has a nickname. shelf? where my butt and back meet...you know, it looks like a shelf that you could rest something on because my butt sticks out so far. equator? the dividing line between the upper and lower guts. fat arms? enough said.

my grandma once told me i should consider gastric bypass surgery. now, i have no problem with gastric bypass surgery, if it's what you and your doctor feel comfortable with. i understand that it may be the best fit for some people. but that is one of the few times my mommaw has hurt my feelings. just made me feel like a) she thought i needed to lose weight (which i did, but that's beside the point!) and b) that she thought i wasn't capable of dieting in the 1st place.

since i'm on a roll with embarrassing stories, here's one that very few people know....i'm not even sure i told the bestie or the boy this one. in summer 2003, my aunt angie took all of us to cedar point to celebrate my sister's high school graduation. i weighed around 260 at this time. (not as much as i do now, but not missing it by that much...) we were waiting in line to ride the top thrill dragster. i got on the ride...and the seatbelt wouldn't buckle. i have never been so embarrassed. i was so disgusted with myself...and i honestly didn't understand. i mean, i had just been to cedar point the previous summer and had ridden everything there! how did that happen? i exited the ride's area in tears. i spent the rest of the day doing the ripcord...wasn't a weight limit there, and that couple of seconds pause in the air right before you drop back down made me feel a whole lot lighter.

you know how some people have a warped image of themselves and see themselves as bigger than they are? i think i have the reverse problem. i never realize how big i've gotten until a pair of pants no longer fit or i see a picture of myself.

did any of these scenarios push me to lose weight? maybe temporarily. i think after the cedar point incident was the 1st time i tried weight watchers online. i stuck with it for about 6 weeks, lost about 20 lbs. but we all know how it ended. because here i am. i think the reason it didn't motivate me to lose is because it would've been for someone else - my mom, my grandma, the cedar point roller coaster designer. lol. it's true that your desire to lose weight and adopt a healthy lifestyle have to come from within yourself. i don't know where my desire came from this time around. daniel and i had tossed around the idea of losing weight for months, but i never really stuck with anything. then i just decided it was time. that was 55 days ago. and i'm proud that i'm still going strong. have i had bad meals? yes. have there been days that i've questioned this? yes. but i'm so glad i'm putting forth the effort. and overall my decisions have been complete 180s from what they would've been 3 months ago. mandi texted me the other day and was like "i dunno what to eat for lunch. i think i'm going to have to get mcdonald's. any suggestions?" i quickly replied, "double cheeseburger, no pickle, no onion, large fry, large coke...and that's why i'm now on weight watchers". without hesitation, that's what i would've ordered before. so i'm proud of the progress that's being made...even on days when i go over by 3 or 4 points. because i promise you, it's a lot better than it was before.

all of this crap from the past are the memories that i pull out on days when i don't feel like all of this sacrifice is worth the outcome. i am worth this. it's just going to take some time to get me there. i want a body i can be proud of.

sidenote: the title of this blog is in reference to my song of the week - "gives you hell". didn't want anyone to think this entire post was a lie! haha.